The Real Story

When people tell us why they did or did not do something, they give reasons, usually in the form of a story. The stories we tell one another are rarely dishonest, but without intending to create fictitious explanations, we might not communicate accurate information. We often are incapable of conveying to others the full reality involved in even a relatively small decision when we ourselves are unaware of some of the significant factors and influences, internal and external, which are integral to the choices we make.

Honesty with others is only possible to the extent that we have grown into the practice of being honest with ourselves. We know when we are making up reasons to support a decision that is based primarily on feelings of attraction or appetite. And we know when our choices leave us with a sense of inner peace rather than disturbance.

We learn by doing. We cannot decide one day to suddenly evaluate with complete frankness the influences that affect us in our decision-making. We can choose to begin consciously reflecting on our experiences of making decisions, of engaging or not engaging in particular actions, and of pursuing or not pursuing specific lines of thinking. Close observation of the various movements within us enables us to recognize the difference between “kidding ourselves” about our motives, and naming with integrity the operative influences on our choices. The stories we share with others will be far closer to reality when we pay habitual attention to our resonance or dissonance with the reasoning we utilize in our own minds and hearts before we tell others why we act as we do.

We can also improve on candor in our stories by taking care to leave out irrelevant details, and to state only the certainties we have. If our purpose is to entertain, we can add lots of color and anecdotes. But when we want to communicate to others our real story, fewer words will probably serve us better. Rather than offer a complete record of all our thoughts and feelings, we focus our attention on the essentials.

Our experience in relating with God about our decisions differs in some particulars from our manner of sharing with other persons. In bringing a concern to God, we can be certain of being completely understood, no matter how inarticulate we might be, whereas with everyone else we know, no matter how close our bonds with them, we can never fully make known our story, nor can others understand us entirely. There is much about us that is partially hidden from our own sight, and is even more opaque to those with whom we communicate, with the exception of God.

When we trust others, and if we believe that we are loved, we are more likely to speak our truth without embellishment. In the context of the absolute love of God, our trust is liable to deepen greatly, and so too, the authenticity of all that we relate.

One of the finest activities of which we are capable is sharing our real story.

Randy Roche, SJ

(Note: if some readers would prefer to have articles sent directly by email, let Fr. Randy know. Send an email to rroche@lmu.edu